“A Father Shouldn’t Take Responsibility For His Children’s Emotions: How To Raise Emotionally Strong Boys And Girls

The latest report prepared by the NGO Bullying without Borders ranks Chile among the 30 countries with the highest bullying rates. And, despite the fact that we are increasingly aware of the serious effects of bullying, it is an increasingly widespread phenomenon. A study published by the Observatory of Citizenship, Coexistence and School Welfare of the University of La Frontera, showed that from 2019 to date, complaints of school violence have increased by almost 30% in all the countries.

And it is that, apparently, the efforts of the schools and the new regulations that have been incorporated — such as the mandatory implementation of regulations for the management of bullying in educational establishments — have not been sufficient. Although school bullying has existed since the beginning, curbing a phenomenon that today does not only occur in face-to-face interactions but has been amplified and reinforced with the use of social networks, is a very difficult task. .

In this context, asking how we can raise children with the skills to deal with a world characterized by high levels of aggression in children themselves can be a key part of tackling the problem holistically. Helping children become emotionally strong people can be a great tool when inserted into worlds like school or the digital universe where it is very difficult to control how and in what way a child interacts with their peers.

Clinical psychologist specializing in child development psychology and family therapist Daniela Toro explains that the concept of emotional strength can be a double-edged sword. “Talking about emotionally strong children can seem like an allusion to bullying and this idea that the law of the strongest prevails,” he explains. The Clinical Mood and Anxiety Center therapist says the best thing to do is aim to raise children with good emotional management. “Good emotional management is made up of several elements. One of them is that children learn from an early age to identify their emotions and to detect when they feel sorry, scared or angry, for example”. She adds that it is important that children learn from an early age to have a good relationship with the most culturally accepted emotions, but also with those that are more stigmatized such as fear, anger or envy. The specialist from the Center for Mood and Anxiety Disorders explains that only by accepting these emotions can children take the step of opening up and seeking help from school or parents when something costs them.

And it is that being emotionally strong paradoxically requires being able to recognize our vulnerabilities. Because, as psychologist Daniela Toro explains, it is not a question of being unbeatable in the emotional field, but rather of resisting. Emotional strength does not indicate that difficult situations such as failure, frustration or rejection do not affect us. Rather, it is about having adequate emotional management skills to deal with those unavoidable situations in life. It is this assertive management of how we feel that ultimately leads to happier, more empathetic children.

Daniela Toro explains that being able to clearly differentiate what we feel is the basis for being able to manage these emotions in a less reactive, less violent and less harmful way for the child himself and also for those around him. “As parents, the next step is to help them deal with these emotions and explain to them that, for example, feeling angry is normal and will happen,” he says. Explain that it is also important to guide them from an early age so that they learn to understand the feelings of others and also to be able to intervene in conflicts by helping them to find a consensus or a point of agreement.

In her book 13 Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do, Amy Morin, a social worker, therapist, and professor at Northwestern University, describes some fundamental pillars for fostering the development of emotional strength in children. As Daniela Toro explains, the North American author describes in her book that the first key stage of emotional strength concerns the recognition – but also the validation – of one’s own emotions. Amy Morin comments in a column published by CNBC that the emotions of childhood, as dramatic as they may seem, are as real as those of an adult. “Smart parents teach their children that their feelings are valid and what really matters is what we do with those feelings,” she explains. Another of the key points according to the North American author is to give children space to make mistakes. “Even when it’s hard to watch a child make mistakes, a smart parent embraces those opportunities as learning opportunities,” Amy comments in her text.

After accepting the emotions, Amy Morin suggests that parents can rely on themselves as a kind of coach or trainer to help children, little by little, learn to manage their feelings well. “A father should not take responsibility for the emotions of his children. More than calming them down when they get upset or cheering them up when they feel sad, the role is to show them tools to regulate their own emotions. , explains the specialist. And that varies on a case-by-case basis. For a child, art or crafts can be a good strategy and for others, playing a sport, for example.

And according to Daniela Toro, in her clinical experience, it is at this stage that parents tend to make mistakes. Rather than addressing the issue and helping to develop good emotional management, many confuse supporting and managing their children’s emotions. “The most common mistakes parents make in this area have to do with not learning to manage emotions at an early age. Although it is older today, there is still little concern about it and very little is addressed,” says Daniela.

But, in addition to putting the issue on the table and educating children in emotional management, specialists agree that it is very important to teach by example. The key to imparting emotional strength is not to be invincible as a parent or to demand that children not feel or learn to suppress uncomfortable emotions. On the contrary, to achieve emotional strength, it is necessary to practice the strategies, to face situations that evoke an emotional reaction and, from there, to work with them. Because emotional strength develops. It’s not a feature that some have and some don’t. And while it is natural as parents to hope that children will never face situations that require this strength, the reality is that difficulties are inevitable. And teaching them tools like those offered by Amy Morin and Daniela Toro allows children to develop their resilience and lead them away from the path of indifference and denial of what they feel.