My first eighteen years: the challenge of negotiating with the children for party and outing authorizations

More than because of the end of the year or the change of seasons, one could say without exaggeration that the Chilean calendar revolves around the Eighteenth.

The psychologist Felipe Lecannelier, in his book look again, says that our society has “a tendency to internalize”, that we tend to swallow our emotions, to be more repressive with what we feel and what happens to us, until suddenly it explodes. This partly explains why national holidays function as a kind of national relief. A catharsis culturally closely linked to excess: food, dance and above all alcohol.

Unlike most of our neighbors, Chile is a country that does not have big carnivals, except for Tirana. The Eighteen then becomes relief and joy at the same time. Something like a Creole and annual Woodstock, a long-lasting celebration where traditional and rural customs mix with other more urban tendencies, which add to the avant-garde that each new generation integrates. This year, for example, in all the ramadas of Chile this year Marcianeke or “Ultra Solo” will sound.

But if there is something that is permanent in time, and that permeates each generation, it is the youthful desire to “launch” the Eighteen. It’s practically an initiatory ritual and part of the conversation between adults, where they remember what memorable reels they still remember or would like to forget, almost counting as an extreme survival experience after overcoming a improbable adventure or a terrible cane.

For the first youth, on the other hand, it is a date that is awaited with curiosity and enthusiasm. This is where these worlds meet. experience and youth. Fear and courage.

For these national holidays, many fathers and mothers will be faced for the first time with the dilemma of whether or not to extend the limits of a license for their excited sons or daughters, eager to live their “first eighteen years” independently.

How to carry out this negotiation to reach an agreement that satisfies both parties? What to avoid? Is it possible to use this moment of momentum and fear as an opportunity to create bonds and trust?

From generation to generation, the scene is the same. A young man – or a teenager – slowly approaching his parents’ room. She has already repeated the story fifty times in her head, but she still does not know how to tell it: that with a group of colleagues, they plan to go to someone’s house on the beach for the long weekend of national holidays, or camping with friends in a certain city.

In parents, the memories of the first eighteen appear as a must-see YouTube advertisement and intersect at the exhibition of asking permission is happening. They are series of lively images with inadvisable behaviors, scenes which, imagined with the children of the protagonists, make people shiver with fear.

The first reflex, almost by vocation of care, will be to refuse. Say no, that for no reason he will spend four days of unbridled self-destruction.

Maria Jose Lacamara , a psychologist and writer specializing in parenting, does not advise this path. “If they are of legal age or approaching that age, we need to let them go more and trust who they are and what we have taught them. If we get too rigid and don’t leave them to fend for themselves, they’ll probably lie to us to get where everyone else is going.”

There’s a meme about it. He says the only thing too strict parenting creates are professional liars.

“Although it is thought that lies are the problem of those who lie, the reality is that it is an interactional conflict, where children feel the need to lie given the consequences they imagine. We need to be close parents, accompanying their sons and daughters, and that involves talking, listening, negotiating, accommodating and looking at our children’s needs. In order to be able to let go serenely, we must create this path of trust,” argues Lacamara.

For Jorge Muñoz, a psychologist at Psyalive, the key is “clear and broad communication” that instills self-care with preventative information. That is, to talk about the risks and possible consequences of the consumption of alcohol or toxic substances, as well as unprotected sex.

“It is essential to create a space for good communication, to build trust and not to fall into extreme limits, because adolescence is a stage where oppositional behaviors are very common”, warns Fiorella Mauriziano, psychologist at Cetep Group .

“It’s a latent risk that our children are doing hidden things, making bad decisions and we don’t know about them,” says Lacamara. And with a hand on their heart, who hasn’t exactly done all that?

However, provide a password to reduce this risk as much as possible. “Lies happen in more rigid systems, where children see parents as authoritarian. When this perception exists, our children lie and hide, putting them at even greater risk of certain punishments or reprimands.

The Eighteen is a reel like no other. They have been said to look a bit like a Woodstock, but closer to its 99 version — which ended in fires, deaths and injuries — than to the hippie of 1969. A scenario that changes drastically as soon as night falls: families and children disappear, giving way to scenes quite typical of a chronicle of Hunter S. Thompson, in which, jokes aside, and without falling into exaggeration, violence and accidents are generally triggered with many deaths.

“The permit must be discussed and accepted by everyone. It is important to take the time to be with the teenagers, to know who is going to these walks or parties, where it will take place and, above all, what is their position in the face of this intense reel. There needs to be a conversation about our expectations as parents and the commitments they will make to the trust we place in them,” advises Lacamara.

When setting permit limits—whether hours, time or money—it is important to know how to patiently explain the reasons for which they are set, so that these do not seem not imposed at random. It is essential that children understand and hopefully make sense of the rule.

For Muñoz, it is essential to inculcate the habit of leaving reliable information about the place of the visit, knowing the people who accompany them and agreeing on the time or day of arrival.

“At the same time, it seems to me that you have to make it clear that if something bad happens at some point, they will know that they have the support of their parents to come out of adversity,” he adds. .

An important recommendation is that the young person save their parents’ contacts on their friends’ phones. So if your cell phone is lost or some other eventuality occurs, which is not uncommon in these cases, there will be a way to contact you.

You should know, says Fiorella Mauriziano, that rebellion is recurrent at this stage of life, so certain rules can be broken. “Here, it is important that parents establish certain consequences, in order to avoid risky behavior during future events and outings.”

“Not only must there be negotiations, but also agreements between parents and children; everyone must share affinities and not adversities for a healthy coexistence”, says Jorge Muñoz

Eventually, and after arduous negotiation, where positions were expressed with honesty and affection (this may not be the case), permission was granted.

After the farewell and reiterating the request and the instruction of caution, attention, self-respect, call me when you arrive, pay attention to the cell phone, put on deodorant and all the suggestions that have been and will be, it’s time to live those hours or those days when not only the teenager will be absent, but maybe doing what.

This is where the anxiety comes in, which for dads and moms just entering this phase can be complex to manage.

“We can set conditions, such as being attentive to calls, or agreeing on a daily connection time, either by WhatsApp or by telephone. And when they come back from that walk, it’s essential to sit down and talk about what it was like for them, how they spent it, what the challenges and learnings were,” suggests Lacamara.

“Being anxious or worried about our children is a natural and normal response to new events. After normalizing this state, we have to accept it and thus land this nervousness, “explains Mauriziano.

“One of the techniques used to regulate anxiety is to defer behavior, which in this case would be calling or writing to your son or daughter,” he adds. In other words, don’t ask him every once in a while how he’s doing, what he’s been doing and how he’s doing.

“It’s good to tell yourself now that I’m not going to call you because I’m busy with other things, and then I will, and so on.” If the concern is stronger, it is recommended to set a space during the day to make the call, but not before or after”. This not only calms the anxiety of parents, but also gives confidence to children, who do not will not feel pampered or persecuted.