I had a lover, but I chose my husband

It was during a work trip that I met Nicolás. One morning, I was walking in haste to the hotel room where the first conference would be held because the activity was about to begin and I had forgotten my computer cable in the room. We are in this hallway. He asked me if I needed anything, I told him I needed a cable, I wasn’t even sure if mine’s plug would fit the hotel’s plug . He offered to accompany me to the room to help me solve the problem. I was nervous, I thought being alone in this room would be a very intimate situation for two complete strangers.

But it wasn’t just that scene that made me uneasy, but what I saw in his eyes. I told him not to worry, I would figure it out. He didn’t insist, but his approach made me shiver. Some time later, when I asked him about this meeting, he confessed to me that he had seen me the day before at the welcome dinner and that from that moment he had felt the need to get closer.

This trip ended with a fleeting romance that I thought would end the day I set foot on Chilean soil again, since he lives in another country. I was married and he was too, and it was never a problem because there was, at the beginning, no other intention. For me, it was the first time such a thing had happened. I had never been and didn’t think I was unfaithful. But it happened.

Back in my routine, I tried to completely lose contact, but I couldn’t. Since that trip, we started a romance that lasted about five years. Most of the time we talked on video calls, but there were also trips. Under the pretext of work, we meet once or twice a year.

I thought many times about ending my marriage and going with him. We had a good time together. Every time we saw each other, time passed quickly; or rather, it was as if time had stopped. Despite the distance, the chemistry held together, and although from the beginning we made it clear that it would not go beyond a romantic relationship, we started to fall out.

We talked about ending our marriages and being together, but in the end there was always something that held me back or tied me to my family. I just didn’t dare.

We had a good, healthy relationship with my husband for many years. We were always very close friends, we laughed a lot, we had a lot of fun together; the problem is that lately this time together, alone, hardly existed anymore.

Maybe if my relationship had been bad, I would have broken up. But I felt and I feel good with my husband, I don’t want to be away from him, I think we are doing well, we are a great team.

Sometimes with my friends we talk about it. I’m not the only one this has happened to. We wonder if it is possible to love two people at the same time. We came to the conclusion that you can’t expect everything from a person, especially if you’ve been together for years. That sometimes meeting another person and building a different bond can even be healthy. What we call today open relationships, I guess.

And it is that the education, the house, the accounts, in short, the routine passes the account. This happened to us with my husband. We drift apart emotionally. We were both very involved in our work, we arrived late and the children were there. We forgot how to be a couple. In fact, for a few months, we were “separated”. He didn’t leave the house because of the kids, but we decided to sleep apart and give each other space to think about whether being together was what we really wanted.

I missed this period a lot. It was only then that I was able to observe my parallel relationship and realize that it really wasn’t as perfect as I thought. We tend to idealize lovers because they are discreet bonds; you see each other when you’re feeling good, there’s no house, no bills, no kids involved. But, as my mother would say, “something else is with the guitar”. And I think that with my husband we managed an almost perfect melody; disagreements are also part of the deal.

It’s been a while since I stopped seeing my lover. Finally, I opted for my husband. It’s nice to go out, to do things, to prepare, to see someone when you feel good. These moments were magical. But when I had the time and the opportunity to view the full panorama, I realized that what made me happiest by far was what I had built inside my house.

Julia is 47 years old and an engineer.