Letter from a mother-in-law to the mother of the children

“I don’t know which is worse. If they call you mother-in-law or ex. Both names are ugly, pejorative, harsh to me. With a typical Disney movie social charge where it seems like We will always be in conflict. As if one is good and the other bad. One victim and another antagonist. Good evil. Boycotter. Cruel to children. A terrible and destructive figure.

The truth is, no one knows what it means to be a stepmom until they become one. You probably didn’t know what it was like to be “the ex” either until you were. And from that role, we had to learn to bond closely, even if we never see each other. Even if we never speak. Although we are blocked from instant messaging and social networks. Although we probably hate each other sometimes. We always have to pretend (hopefully one day not) a fragile cordiality because we have people in common that we care too much about: you your children and I your ex-husband. And sometimes your children too. For, however unlikely it may seem to you, I have also learned to love them, and their well-being, when they are not with you, also depends on me.

It’s weird being a mother-in-law. I’ve been one for several years now. And it was a winding road, full of potholes and where I rarely felt in control of what was coming. I think that’s the hardest part. We are a figure that enters into the history of a family that already existed. That he does not stop being family despite the breakup. A family that changes (especially when there are young children). And it seems, to everyone’s eyes, that we are free and unaware of all the changes, but deep down we are the most involved. We have to accept the decisions that are made and that impact us, often deeply, and we could not even participate in the discussion. And when we talked about it, there was no one looking after our interests either.

Our emotions are supposed to be left out. Because we are here to contain and help. Only if they ask us. If not, it’s because we get too involved. It’s like we always have to wait to follow instructions. available. Go, come back, resolve. Do. Or let it go. Without taking many initiatives. But without being so passive either, because it’s already disinterested. And it’s so hard to move around safely when there’s so much suspicion.

I didn’t want to be a mother and always thought I would find a man whose paternity was already established. I knew I would probably never be the top priority or on days with kids my relationship would be “on hold” until they were gone. I thought that so many freedoms were not sacrificed. She knew it wouldn’t be easy to love or care for other people’s children. I could visualize and imagine many situations that happened.

But, to be honest, I never thought about you. In the old And how complex it could be to relate. Despite the fact that over the years we have had flashes of genius and sometimes everything has gone well, the truth is that most of the time we have been in conflicting positions. And although I think we will always be curious and suspicious at the same time, as if we were to be enemies for defaultI also believe that if we don’t break this stereotype ourselves, it will be that way forever.

I think it is super necessary that we stop seeing the ex of our couples as an enemy, as if we were at permanent war. It is something that has been “taught” to us culturally, but it doesn’t have to be that way. I have no interest in taking away your space or the one you are beginning to build for yourself. I build my own instead. And it is paradoxical to have to agree to always occupy part of it. For the same reason, the ideal would be that on this path, more than enemies, we would be allies. I don’t say friends, but allies. That we have patience and respect. Let’s try to get out of prejudices and live together well in this linked format in which life has found us. For our good and that of all beings close to us”.