Does losing the fear of rejection make us freer?

When we stop daring to do something for fear the answer will be negative or we will be rejected, we often find ourselves paralyzed in inaction and in our place of comfort. So it seems logical to think that the solution is to be brave and lose the fear of rejection once and for all. But no. The fear of rejection is actually an evolutionary response to the human need to belong to a group that, if unmet, can even cause pain say the experts.

And that’s how. Since we biologically have a need to belong, Not doing it hurts, no matter how big the rejection. How many times has it hurt us not to stay in that job we applied so enthusiastically for or when that Tinder match we’ve been talking to for days has stopped responding to us?

Stefanella Costa, researcher at the Center for Studies in Human Neurosciences and Neuropsychology and at the Center for Studies in Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy at the UDP explains that social rejection hurts just as much as physical pain, because the brain processes social pain the same way it does physical pain. “There are studies that show that many of the brain regions involved in physical pain are activated when we are rejected in a social and good context. That’s why experiences of social rejection are often described by people as painful. » said.

This is an evolutionary response that dates back to prehistoric times. And it is that Humans evolved through their search for social acceptance , explains the specialist and adds that “evolutionarily, exclusion is linked to pain because it motivates us to prevent our social ties from being threatened. Trying to keep them benefits us.

Wanting to belong to a space where you feel comfortable and validated is something natural and necessary , which is even in our genes, points out feminist psychologist Pía Urrutia. “When you study attachment theories, you can see how children who have not been cared for they constantly seek to belong to a space. This is very important for different developmental processes, especially in adolescence,” he says.

Its importance lies in configuration of self-esteem , explains the feminist psychologist. “Self-esteem is configured through socialization, hence others may say of me. If I live in a space where I only get abuse, my self-esteem won’t be the best. Criticism is probably what I will incorporate. Belonging to the spaces where it is given adapt to who i am and it is validated, they will have a close relationship with good self-esteem it allows me to be well, by reducing self-criticism,” he says.

Apart from being rejected by another, We started to analyze what we had done wrong. “Rejection is likely to bring feelings of guilt and a lot of shame, especially if it happened after something we did or said that we realize was not socially acceptable. When it causes us to get half-stuck in that feeling, it’s important to remember that it’s not always our fault, sometimes it really is. This rejection is the result of a circumstance beyond our control and our will. explains the researcher from the Center for Studies in Human Neuroscience and Neuropsychology.

If we stay in this space where we are criticized, we are not valued for who we are and we act according to what others expect simply because we belong, there are consequences, explain the specialists. And it is that when we stay in this space long enough, we internalize excessive criticism or a very negative view of ourselves. “If I always pay attention that a group does not reject me, it could also generate something pathological like an anxiety disorder, being hyper attentive to what I say or to my appearance”, illustrates Urrutia.

“The feeling of social rejection is linked to anxiety, anguish, depression and hopelessness. People who constantly feel socially rejected risk falling into a vicious cycle in which they feel rejected and therefore become more isolated, which is very harmful to their mental health,” says Costa.

When we are faced with rejection, being able to talk about it with someone who is close to our hearts and whom we trust allows us to break out of the isolation that it can cause. In this same process, adds Stefanella Costa, we can learn from our mistakes, recognize them and ask for forgiveness if necessary. “There are times when guilt and shame keep us from asking for forgiveness, when sometimes that’s the way to feel better and let the group that rejected you know you know that,” he says.

On another side, Generating spaces where they validate me for who I am has effects on self-esteem and validation, diminishing that bitter feeling of rejection once left behind. An example of this, says psychologist Pía Urrutia, is what happens in the LGTBIQA+ community, where belonging to this community has a very important meaning. “Understanding that there is more than one space we can belong to and why validation spaces are important can help us break allegiances to spaces where we stay only out of fear of not being part of something and allows us to realize where we are validated (or not) to be able to choose spaces that are truly consistent with our needs and well-being, placing ourselves as a fundamental piece of the spaces,” she concludes.