Being a parent after a separation: “I had to rediscover motherhood from a positive perspective”

This process was long, I don’t know how long it lasted, but at least I feel it as an eternal journey, between mountains, seas, hells and paradises.

My marriage was a relationship of many years. The first ones were very happy, but with the arrival of motherhood, everything completely changed. I felt from the beginning how my husband had stopped participating in the family dynamic. Which led me, after a while, to fall in love with someone else.

Getting out of that marriage wasn’t easy, or quick, and once I did, the post-separation abuse began. During the last year of marriage, I had already lost more than 20 kilos and could no longer sleep or sleep, falling into a deep depression. I had become physically and mentally ill and needed to heal. That’s why I decided to be alone. I thought I wasn’t going to heal if I didn’t just focus on me and my daughter. So I decided to break up with the other person after a few months.

For more than two years, my ex-husband’s empty promises and words were a daily occurrence. Eventually, we ended up in court over personal care and child support cases. The hardest part was realizing that by emotionally separating from my ex-husband, I was separating myself from financial support and care (even though the law says otherwise). Luckily I had the support and care of my mother, without her I don’t know if I would have made it.

Over time, I began therapy. Centerpiece of this story. With my psychologist, we managed to put everything in its place, to identify negative patterns, to rediscover motherhood from the positive, the sweet and the stimulating. It’s not because of heartbreak and injustice that this is what happened to me in the beginning. We began to work and value the skills and talents that were within me, to have these uncomfortable conversations that make us think, assume and decide. I never missed therapy, the commitment was not only to me, but also to my daughter, who deserved the best version of me.

During this process, being in charge of parenting and finances without the support of my father left me with a deep sense of injustice and guilt for having chosen a man like him, I frequently said in my head. sorry girl, you deserved so much more. But my therapist made me understand that none of this was my fault. I will never forget the day he told me: “Amapola are two adults and you can only be responsible for your actions. You are not responsible for his. “It is your decision.”

This was the sentence I had to remove. I started talking to my loved ones about it. I felt like I had to share my experience. I started doing it through social networks, I opened the account @madressuperpoderosas: a meeting place where we talk about different issues around how to protect children and legally protect ourselves as mothers attentive.

Since then, every day, I read dozens of stories. It is curious to see how the pattern repeats itself, how machismo and patriarchy are reflected in each story. How selfishness seems to be at the center of everything and how the wickedness of these parents can be the trigger for so much pain.

I think we need to weave a network of women throughout Chile to listen to us, contain us and help us. For me, contact with others, sharing experiences and the support we give each other have been fundamental. The process of rebuilding after an experience like this is not easy, but it can be done.

Being a mother involves a level of commitment and strength with our children. We need space to nurture, care for and love in peace.