How to Handle a Boy or Girl Throwing a Tantrum

We call it a “tantrum” or “tantrum,” but the correct name is emotional dysregulation. It is How much children childhood experience because, unlike adults, they are at an age where they do not know how to manage certain emotions or stimuli.

“We try not to talk about tantrums or temper tantrums because they have a certain negative stigma.” begins to explain to The third Isidora Lopez, child and adolescent psychologist and professor at the School of Psychology of the University of the Andes .

And, regarding the discussion generated by the podcast of there influencer Beatriz Bravo — who was widely criticized for saying it was not a bad alternative to calming children with an “ice water shower.” —There are people who believe that children are ready to self-regulate like adults.

But this is not the case. The psychologist assures that, When children are young, it is normal for them to exhibit some emotional dysregulation.

“Sometimes parents don’t know it, but Between the ages of 2 and 6, children are expected to exhibit dysregulation as it is part of development itself. “We already worry when these events are very intense and frequent,” says Lopez.

So how should a father, mother, or caregiver respond to emotional dysregulation? Should society be more empathetic to boys and girls who are dysregulated in public?

When a child begins to behave agitatedly with screaming, crying and often hitting, it is because, Because of his age, “he doesn’t have the tools to be able to self-regulate on his own.”

“It’s very difficult for them to manage or process these emotions, so they look to the adult as a co-regulator of these emotions.” . And the child does not know how to deal with this, because he cannot identify what is happening to him,” explains the psychologist.

This does not mean in any way that parents should not set limits. However, they should try to give the child the tools to learn to cope with these feelings over time.

However, The expert completely rules out more severe punishments such as a cold shower. “Sometimes we say: ‘those glass children who don’t set limits’. But no, the idea is to set a limit once the emotional deregulation has passed. That’s when we educate.

“If I put a child in cold water, the child will remain silent for fear of being punished and because he does not want to continue living this consequence, not because it generates self-regulation tools, This is what we expect.

In the podcast, the typical archaic punishment of locking children in their rooms was also discussed: “If I send the child to “think” in his room and lock him in, he obviously does not have the tools necessary to do this thinking exercise alone. In the end he will remain silent and ask for forgiveness, but he will not have understood what happened. or how you can handle it when you get angry in the future.

But how do you teach and set limits to a child who has become emotionally dysregulated?

Lopez explains to LT with an example: “You can say to the child ‘I understand that you are frustrated because your cousin took away your toy.’ Here we translate so that the child can gradually identify his emotions and generate tools so that it can self-regulate during the school phase.

“But The most important thing is that the father or mother, before helping and accompanying this child, is calm, because otherwise it is putting out fire with fire. The parent or responsible caregiver must remain calm and tolerate their own frustration in order to be able to care for the child and be emotionally available to him or her.

If the boy or girl does not want to approach his or her parents at this time of intense emotions, you can say “Okay, you’re angry, I understand. I’ll come with you here even when you want to come and need me. “I’ll be here.”

After, When we are calmer, comes the stage of reflection. : “Here you are telling the child ‘it’s okay to be angry, it’s okay to feel frustrated, it happens to all of us sometimes, but you can’t hit your mother when she’s angry or you can’t take someone’s toy.'”

According to the psychologist, this stage It is important to do this when everything is calm, because during the intense emotional state, “the child will not be able to understand or integrate what the mother, father or caregiver is saying to him because he is very angry.”

Already This is when the limit or consequence is set: “For example, telling him ‘we won’t go to the square because it’s not right that you hit your little brother, etc.’ Here it is a long-term investment, because we help them generate self-regulation tools, not for the child to remain silent out of fear, that is the difference.

“Respectful parenting is sorely misunderstood because boundaries are always needed. “Children need boundaries because it’s like being on a suspension bridge with no barriers.” says psychologist Lopez.

However, it is very easy to judge a child who is emotionally dysregulated in public, who screams or cries, because the noise can be very disturbing. It is in these cases where “It is extremely important that we as a society are empathetic and understand that we do not know the reality of this mother, this father and this child.”

“The child could have an illness, an autism spectrum disorder, and you don’t notice it at first glance. We do not know the socio-economic reality, the support network of the mother and child, nor the tools available to this family to take care of the child.

“I believe that as a society we need to respect the spaces of motherhood and fatherhood.”