Love without desire: the new “epidemic” affecting couples

Female sexual desire as a rare occurrence as opposed to the permanent male drive to simply want to have sex whenever he can. This is the story that has been told so far of how men and women operate in the face of sexual appetite. And while it is true that the physiology of women and men determines that sexual desire operates differently in each – different brain structures and hormones are involved – it is no less true that generalizations on the subject lead to misinterpretations. and simplifications that can be expensive. relationship.

To conceive of the male brain according to the classic caricature that shows the interests — and the relative importance — that each of them has in the mind of man is not only an error of proportions. It’s a misconception: because the male brain doesn’t have a huge mythical area dedicated to thinking about sex 24/7. And getting rid of this first preconceived idea is the starting point to start deconstructing the erroneous beliefs that today make many couples question the bond they have developed. Because today a sexual desire that does not meet the norm, with what is supposedly expected, seems to be more and more common. Especially when it comes to men.

In the book Not always in the mood: the new science of men, sex and relationships, researcher and Ph.D Sarah Hunter Murray, addresses the issue of male sexual desire. And the misconceptions surrounding it. “Man’s sexual desire has been characterized as something simple and endless,” the text explains. “But new research on the subject shows that this is far from true and that a good sex life and good relationships suffer from these misconceptions.” And this phenomenon has also been observed in our country by the clinical psychologist specializing in family and couple therapy Carolina Ulloa, as a growing trend among patients. “About a year ago, I started seeing monogamous heterosexual couples at the clinic who were coming in for help because of low sexual frequency,” the therapist explains. He points out that in many cases it is she who perceives the lack and he who exhibits low levels of sexual desire.

But this phenomenon is no longer unprecedented and, it seems, has become a recurring situation in our country. Ten years ago, Chilean psychologists Alejandra and Antonio Godoy published I love you but I don’t want you a book that tackles the complex and sometimes uncomfortable question of sexual desire in couples. And, as Carolina Ulloa was able to verify in her clinical experience, contrary to what preconceived ideas about sexual desire suggest, the discoveries offered by the two specialists in the book reveal a reality very different from the caricature. “The decline in sexual desire in the couple seems to have become a real epidemic. People who love each other, but do not want each other, suffer endless negative and painful consequences”, explains the text by Alejandra and Antonio Godoy.

What low sexual desire in men actually means is a key point to define in order to identify possible problems. Because although popular belief speaks of an incessant desire, there are certain diagnoses to define when and how this falls within the parameters of what is healthy. “Hypoactive desire is a drop in sexual desire and fantasies that lasts at least six months,” says Carolina Ulloa. “This decline is not explained by physiological or medical causes or by the consumption of medication or drugs,” he says. However, beyond the norm, the specialist specifies that it is essential to consider the reality on a case-by-case basis. Because all couples have different needs. “It is recommended to consult when the lack of desire is a problem”, he mentions. “If it’s not a problem for the couple or the person and there’s no need to consult, that’s fine. In the end, what matters most is the subjective satisfaction of each person and couple with the sexuality they carry.

But when the desire – or the absence of desire – becomes a point of conflict in the couple, the specialist recommends consulting as soon as possible. “When it is already a matter in the couple, it is recommended to consult quickly so that it does not become a big problem”, he specifies. “The man often feels stunted, that he is not performing as well as he should, and the woman tends to feel unattractive, which can lead to deeper insecurities about her- self and relationship.” The specialist adds that, in this type of case and in a totally opposite way to caricatures, it is here the women who begin to wonder if they are ready to live their sexuality in this way, as a lack.

One of the questions that motivated the authors of the book I love you but I don’t want you to investigate this topic is precisely how sexuality has changed in recent times and how this translates into desire. “Our main questions were: why did men’s desire start to decrease? Why among younger men? Why only among lovers?” says the book. In this regard, Carolina Ulloa explains that hypoactive desire is something that is usually observed in young couples, with an above-average sociocultural level. “These are couples in which he tries hard not to be sexist and she is a woman with a strong character, who clearly and directly expresses her desire”, specifies the therapist. Observe that in these cases the men do not know how to exercise their masculinity, they try to move away from the patriarchal canons but, sexually, they do not know how to approach it. “When it comes to sexuality, they don’t know how to manage without falling into the stereotype of the porn film, where there is a phallocentrism and where women are conceived as sexual objects”, he specifies. “It has a lot to do with current sex/gender roles and how they affect us in the most intimate spheres of relationships.”

Carolina explains that, in an effort not to repeat the patriarchal patterns they were raised with, these young men try to tear down the paradigms but, in doing so, end up affecting their desire for their partners. “They don’t know how to take charge of themselves, how to express their desire without falling into machismo, without forcing women into relationships when they may not want them, without taking an active role and, Consequently, they begin to adopt a more passive attitude in these meetings, for fear of making a mistake and of not being up to the circumstances that are currently expected of them, “he adds. And unfortunately for a lot of couples, this crossroads is something that makes them stagnate, they don’t dare to broach the subject and the unsatisfactory sex life ends up becoming a permanent reality.” I see very clearly that one can indeed love someone without wanting it,” Carolina comments. He points out that it may rather be relational ignorance and feelings of insecurity that lead these men to avoid frustrating sex and not lack of love. “Ultimately , they enter a vicious circle,” he explains. “I don’t want to deal with it because it’s uncomfortable and I feel inadequate, but the less I connect to my desire and the less I allow myself to freely express myself sexually, the more insecure I feel for the next meeting.” Finally, it’s a cycle that repeats itself, and when the relationship doesn’t end, what’s left is hypoactive longing with that beloved person.