Play as a tool to teach children to manage their emotions

Little children crying loudly in the supermarket because they didn’t get something they wanted to buy; others who throw cell phones on the floor in frustration when they lose a game or can’t access the video they were looking for; or the traditional street rage scenes that end with children being dragged away by their parents because they refuse to walk. These are all scenes that we have probably seen at least once in the public space, yet some fathers and mothers have to experience them on a daily basis.

And it is that unpleasant emotions in boys and girls are a natural reality and part of personality development. But learning to navigate these emotionally turbulent times is something most adults didn’t learn in childhood – perhaps even as adults they struggle with it – and it’s hard for them to work with their children when dealing with emotions is something we haven’t learned to do.

American anthropologist from UC Berkeley and Ph.D specializing in behavioral ecology and comparative psychology explains in an article published on the Parenting Science platform that the job of parents is not to avoid at all costs that their children experience emotions such as fear, anger, frustration or sadness. The role of parents should be that of a sort of emotional coach. As explained in the publication of the specialist dedicated to the study of the evolution of the parental role in education, it is the parents who must guide their children in “the perception of their feelings and help the children to live them and to self-regulate”. And fulfilling this role of emotional coach for children can be confusing when parents themselves haven’t learned to identify their emotions in childhood.

Claudia Romero, a child and adolescent psychologist specializing in EMDR therapy explains that Emotional management is a frequent reason for consultation by parents of children of different ages. Especially after experiencing the effects of confinement and the uncertainty that accompanied the majority during the Covid-19 pandemic. “Adults and children have long been under chronic stress given high uncertainty, contagion, death and loss without being able to accompany family members, which has led to exposure of the brain to high cortisol loads,” says Claudia. But with this increase that you have seen in anxious, depressive and generalized high intensity fear states, a door has opened in which Parents are increasingly looking for tools to help their children with an emotional education that most did not receive in childhood. “Crises are opportunities and as such, today, at the school and family level, there is a greater awareness of the emotional factors in the mental health well-being of our population.”

Isabel García, EMDR psychologist and children’s book author go away hello explains that the brain is constantly changing, so it is always it is possible to learn new skills at any age. In this context, the specialist comments that parents who consult for problems related to emotional regulation in children, in general, arrive voluntary and waiting before the possibility of learning to help their children in their difficulties. “The starting point is to observe and listen to the child, to pay attention to when and in what situations their anxiety or fears kick in or they become dysregulated, to find out what activates the emotion,” says Isabel. “It is facilitated if we manage to generate spaces to be together where I can listen to what he tells me, watch his game and also, as an adult, tell them everyday things that have happened to me during the day or at work in order to model the child’s learning to communicate his emotions adequately”.

With the aim of fostering this connection between parents and children and encouraging conversation on topics that can be uncomfortable, especially for adults, such as emotions. Isabel and Claudia, with the participation of kindergarten educator Pilar Valdivieso, created the game pluck cuckoo Intended for families with children from 6 years old and can be played as a duo or in a group. The objective of the game is to teach children and parents to identify the emotions that we usually classify as negative and relate them to the manifestation they have in the body. and which are usually the cause of unpleasant sensations that trigger tantrums and emotional outbursts.

Experts say that Being able to play with their children helps parents recognize and relate what, perhaps, in their own childhood had no voice. “Today, sharing it with another creates a bond of greater intimacy. Being able to talk about what is happening to me and not deny it, avoid it, or be overly alarmed helps with emotional regulation, especially if we can recognize coping strategies that are playful, fun, and involve not only talking but also promoting body movement and humor,” says Isabel. “The game creates a space of active listening between parents and children, which is a model for managing everyday situations.”

Through the game, the recognition of fears, beliefs, emotions and associated bodily sensations is facilitated. The psychologists explain that, although the simple fact of being able to talk about how I feel and listen to others talk about these problems is a good opportunity, in the case of games like Arráncate Cuco, different strategies are offered for emotional management. Isabel adds that one of the objectives of the game, which addresses the emotionality of children, is to give families meaningful spaces of complicity, in a playful context. “We think it would be a contribution to develop the thematic contribution through a game, which is the language of children”, comments the psychologist. “Because, when I have a good time with you, I seek to repeat it.”

Claudia Romero explains that children’s anxiety, phobias, separation anxiety, difficulty interacting with peers, blockages before school assessments, temper tantrums or uncontrolled temper tantrums depend on emotional regulation. The specialist adds that there are significant differences in how to deal with situations typical of different stages of development. “Someone who registers their emotional world, recognizes what is going on inside and identifies the beliefs that emerge. And it gives you the ability to act consciously and to be an active agent in life, not to be a victim, not to get caught up in your emotional world. but to activate their ability to decide,” Claudia explains.

Although it may seem distant to many, emotional training is something we receive from our parents to a greater or lesser extent. For many adults today, this emotional upbringing in childhood was precarious and insufficient, but that does not mean that it is a subject that cannot be discussed with children. Isabel García confirms that we have all received some type of emotional education, which was mainly learned through the modeling of parents or important people in our history. The psychologist adds that “it is possible to continue to learn about the management and expression of emotions in our adult couple relationships and in the bond with our friends, which often makes it possible to repair the pain of history”. The psychologist explains that One of the main differences that can be observed between a person who has had the opportunity to talk about feelings, worries but also motivations and achievements at home from an early age, is that in addition to developing better self-esteem and self-confidence, they will be able to recognize their personal limits. deal with internal and external requests and verbalize them more appropriately. “All of this promotes the possibility of having good mental health,” he says.

And while for many parents, addressing the issue of their children’s emotions can be overwhelming or seen as a complex task, the tendency is not to continue sweeping the emotional under the rug. Psychologist Isabel García explains that what is interesting is that today there is greater awareness than in the past of the importance of working on the emotions and of consulting a specialist when there are symptoms that indicate that there is a problem or when one encounters difficulties in regulating emotions. “In this, the parents, the school and other specialists should be able to work as a team for the good of the child.”