Carolina Valenzuela: “Women think that when they express an opinion, it must be the right one because they are very afraid of making a mistake”

When we want to ask something or express our opinion and we start our sentences with phrases like “I may be wrong” or “I may be saying something unrelated, but…”, we may be unconsciously trying to avoid being seen making a mistake. or, conversely, as an arrogant person. Although we know well the impact that assertive and confident communication has on our professional careers, we continue to do so, especially women. there are many the studies who claim that we are the ones who use the most hesitant and suffocating language when communicating.

They call it “weak language” and they interpret it as such: if you talk like that, you are not sure of yourself, you are not convinced of what you are talking about or you have no personality. But no. This language does not necessarily reflect a lack of assurance or certainty. “It’s a way of communicating by reading people well, just like men do when they strategize when and how to talk to the boss,” says Carolina Valenzuela, an academic at the UDP’s Faculty of Psychology.

A mechanism which, if not intrinsically negative and even beneficial, as the expert explains in this interview, makes us forget the impact that our way of speaking has on our environment. Likewise, as the Chilean biologist Humberto Maturana said, “language creates reality”.

Carolina Valenzuela specializes in the integration of women in decision-making spaces. A place where, precisely, one expects that whoever is in charge of it is not relative and expresses himself with confidence. It is from this interest that he now sits on the board of directors of there are women , a foundation that aims to promote gender equality and the empowerment of women through their voices and public discourse. A task that, in practice, brings together a variety of experts from different fields, strengthens their communication skills and connects them with the media.

How does the way power is woven into our society influence women’s need to communicate through tampons? Do they need it?

Today the frame of power is very masculine and lives in the public sphere, in the public voice. We women have been inserted for very few years in the space of public speech compared to men, proportionally speaking. In this scenario, I think it was difficult for us to recognize certain codes from the power frame that have a masculine tinge of more security, of being more specific, of speaking with more assertive words than questions. And while I don’t think women need to talk to tampons, we do because we haven’t read the codes yet.

Sometimes it is important to respect this code. For example, if we are in a meeting with decision-makers, we do not expect to be told “probably”, “maybe” or “I could be wrong”, but they expect certainties. and they are waiting for our opinion so that we can discuss it. That’s when we women get this idea that the opinion we have to express has to be the right one. While men are used to the fact that this opinion can be discussed and they may even believe that it may not be the right one, but they mention it anyway, women need to say the right answer because they are very afraid of making a mistake. .

However, at other times these shock absorbers are recommended and necessary. Where some men fail. For example, if I’m with my work team, raising things like “maybe I’m misinterpreting” or “I’d like to hear your opinion on this as well”, that’s very valuable because it leaves space to space to also recognize some type of learning or job growth.

What is the stereotype behind the image we have of an assertive and confident woman who asks for what she wants?

One would think that a person who is assertive, who is confident and who knows what he wants is a leader and it does not matter whether he is a man or a woman. What’s happening is that we in social terms have this idea that men are safer and they ask what they want and women have a much more relative language, but in reality, it has to do with the social representation we have of the feminine and the masculine. Although this assertiveness is actually more associated with certain masculine characteristics, I would tell you that women are much more assertive than men, we have this ability. Assertiveness involves listening to others and women listen, but that does not mean that only female leadership can be assertive. There are also assertive men.

In the context of work, the idea that women should always be empathetic, unambitious, and that we should silently wait for our next moment runs deep. The woman who does everything in her power to achieve a goal is child’s play and a harpy. The man, on the other hand, is a strategist when he goes to play golf outside of working hours with the boss or go for a drink after the shot to generate some kind of friendship or male brotherhood, which is very typical of workspaces where women don’t participate because we’re more in charge of care and therefore don’t have time to go happy hour.

It is a reading that puts us at a disadvantage. We continue on the logic that we need to operate the way men work and how masculine codes work, rather than thinking of the workplace as a space where we both have the same opportunities.

There is various studies which show that expressing uncertainty can make you more persuasive. Do you think using “weak language” is a conscious decision to achieve a goal?

I think it’s a decision at the subconscious level. Especially because it is still very difficult for us women to recognize that voice and opinion are part of the sphere of our leadership. As we have always been relegated to a rather private space, we forget that making our voice heard by expressing an opinion, saying what we think and being where decisions are made is also part of leadership. Simply recognizing the voice as a space where another will listen to you and perhaps be able to follow you.

Also, in the ideology that we have to wait for our moment, the voice is not so important. At some point, someone is going to see us for the things we do. According to this logic, women are supposed to wait for their moment and not ask for it, while men not only ask for it, they demand it. Here there is also a cultural and historical element, where the female voice has been silenced and suppressed and from there, there is a sense of hopelessness and that it doesn’t matter if I speak or not. Luckily we are changing that, but I would say there is some reluctance to acknowledge this space. In some cases it might be that or in other cases it might just be that someone doesn’t care, but it’s striking that those who aren’t shy about speaking their minds are usually women.

Thinking specifically about how gender norms work, what is the impact of using this language on how we interact with people or how we are perceived?

The use of buffered language generates the feeling that I am not sure of what I am saying and that the other may even lose confidence in what I am offering. We are perceived as weaker or less secure. It is important that we create spaces where women can learn to communicate with more direct language when it comes to expressing what we think or what we want to offer in a workplace. Being precisely allows and opens discussions.

Decision spaces are discussion spaces, where there is no right answer, but the answer is built and contributes to this construction, I think it is difficult for us. It is in this space that it could be a problem, but in another I would say the opposite. It is a type of language that many could use because it involves recognizing that there is no one interpretation and it opens up spaces for learning and growth, such as when the other realizes a situation without saying it directly, like in therapy. For example, in the sessions, we psychologists do not tell people where they went wrong and what they need to do, but we just ask questions to make the other person realize what needs to be changed or what is the dynamic you need to modify. and this is very valuable because ultimately it promotes personal growth.