I’m 27 years old and I identify as asexual and grayromantic.

“I didn’t take this topic seriously until a casual conversation I had with two friends. We were in college and they were talking about how I was the type of person they were physically attracted to. The moment came and they looked at me. “And you?”, they asked me. There was a silence.

“I have no idea what type of person I find attractive.” , I told them. The slightest idea. I was just telling the truth.

I am 27 years old and I identify as asexual and grayromantic . After a period of introspection, I came to the conclusion that I don’t feel any sexual attraction . I can find people pretty just as I find a painting or a well-arranged shelf pretty.

With romantic attraction, it’s different. Yes, I feel it. For that I identify on the aromantic spectrum, but in the gray area, which also does not reach the normative level. I came to this conclusion when I was 21, while in college.

The interrogations began well before. Since the age of 11, I have been very involved in social networks, I like being in these little worlds. I had a Tumblr account where I found a lot of content about sexual and gender diversity. In this community, I learned a lot.

I must have been around 15 when I met the concepts of asexuality and aromantism . That made sense to me, of course there are people who feel that way, I thought.

At that time, it wasn’t a problem for me. I was in middle school and I had never liked any of my classmates, nor was I very social. My circle was small and my friends weren’t at that stop either. It wasn’t a worry, but when I got to college, I thought things were going to change.

How can no one be interested in me? I was wondering. I had this expectation. I didn’t care about gender, but I wanted to be interested in someone.

More about sexuality

gave me one almost anthropological curiosity , it seemed super interesting to me precisely because I didn’t experience it, I didn’t understand it. But this “hormonal explosion” that is supposed to accompany adolescence, I have never experienced it.

In college nothing happened and I started to realize this difference because my friends started having sexual and emotional relationships with other people. The topic was relevant. They either had a partner, were looking for, or wanted to have casual sex. All of this still hasn’t caught my attention. It was a disappointment.

Now I am very clear that I do not feel any sexual attraction. But romantic attraction is a little more complex for me. At that time, I was telling a friend that I don’t know if I like this person, if I want to like them, or if I think I should like them. The romance theme doesn’t bother me at all, I find it nice. Furthermore, the social norm of romantic love , which, even though it was never in my personal goals, was still super strong. This idea that you have to get married, hopefully get married, have kids, a dog and a cat.

But I didn’t take it seriously until this conversation when my friends asked me what my type was, it got me thinking. More actively, I started looking for spaces. I read about the experiences of asexual and aromantic people and the more I read, the more I understood that The two are on a spectrum. There are many different experiences.

What was there started to resonate a lot with me, it all made a lot of sense to me. At the end of that year, I decided to give it a try. I started calling myself asexual and it felt good.

Then came the grayromantic label. I had already come to the conclusion that I was asexual, but what about my romantic attraction? There are asexuals who are not romantic and there are asexuals who feel romantic attraction, fall in love and have a partner. It cost me more. As I said, romantic attraction is a little more diffuse.

Looking back on my life, there have been a few people I’ve loved, but always with this insecurity about whether it was something I really felt or wanted to feel, or if it was because I wanted to have a partner. But in aromantic spaces, I realized there was a lot of diversity.

I know I can feel romantic attraction, but it is not experienced normatively. It’s less intense and less frequent.

I’ve always had the philosophy that labels are tools people use to describe and understand themselves, and to find community. If it ultimately no longer fits, I change it, I have no problem.

There is a certain freedom in being able to call myself that in the sense that in this process of self-discovery There is a weird feeling. In that sense, finding a community has been super nice, super encouraging and rewarding as well. This allowed me to explore other ways of understanding connections in general.

I have been in a relationship for two years. We met a few years ago. It was very confusing for me at the beginning, precisely because of this ambiguity, which I had difficulty realizing. In retrospect, we already had unquote behaviors as a couple long before we made anything official, but I had a hard time understanding what I felt, It was something new for me.

My partner is not asexual, nor is he aromantic, so we have had to have many conversations on the subject. At first it was difficult for him to understand, but he managed. I had a thousand questions . I had to explain to him what that meant and what it meant for me to be asexual and a gray romantic, which is how I experience it.

We’ve had many conversations about boundaries, about what I’m comfortable with, what I want. I don’t have a problem with sexual activity, although for me it doesn’t have that connection and connotation that it has for many people. This is not an exceptional activity either , I have a good time, but if they offer me another activity, I don’t mind at all. This is also something that varies. In that sense, we both learned a lot.

It is understood that my boundaries are important, but so are the needs of everyone involved. We must therefore talk about it, negotiate and accommodate.

The experience I had was good, I’m very lucky in general. My friends and also my family helped me a lot. I received a lot of questions, but these are topics that can be discussed.

There are many people who live like this without knowing it because there is a lot of ignorance. And the role of social networks has been important. There is more and more talk about sexual diversity and information is more and more available.

There is something that I usually clarify: on the one hand we have sexual attraction and on the other we have sexual desire, libido. Sexual desire is something internal, This is the internal desire to receive sexual stimulation. Basically, it’s hot. This can be solved alone or with someone, it doesn’t matter.

Sexual attraction, on the other hand, is another person makes you want to sleep with them . I don’t feel sexual attraction and my sexual desire varies, I would say it is between normal and low.

There are asexual people who are generally uncomfortable with all sexual issues. There are asexual people who cannot feel sexual attraction, but who can feel desire. Or that you simply view sex as a pleasurable sensory activity. There are a lot of experiments on this. I never experienced it as a necessity, but as a sensorially pleasant experience. And there are also couples in all these combinations.

Like I said, I’ve been very lucky, but in the community there are also stories of frustration. Many people say they were honest with their partner and were not understood or accepted. There is everything. Stories of success but also failure. It’s not rosy, there are a lot of frustrations and this is due to the lack of knowledge on the subject.

It is assumed that everyone feels sexual attraction and that this is something relevant when it comes to bonding. It is assumed that you will match and feel all this for this person. There are also gender biases, there are many problems that are linked together. Asexual men are extremely invisible. Asexual women, especially those in heterosexual relationships, generally suffer a lot because there is this installed idea that women are less sexually active. Many believe that it is normal or that sex is something they have to do.

Social media has played an extremely important role in this regard. If you live a life disconnected from the Internet, it is statistically unlikely to meet an asexual and/or aromantic person. However, the approximations that have been made, which have been very insufficient, are that we say that 1% of the population is asexual or aromantic . Some estimates say it’s more.

There are many people who live like this without knowing it because there is a lot of ignorance. And the role of social networks has been important. There is more and more talk about sexual diversity and information is more and more available. You also face a lot of misinformation, but that’s part of this information age. Many people confuse sexuality with celibacy, or temporary or circumstantial lack of libido, lack of romance and fear of commitment.

There’s still a lot to make visible, it’s something we need to continue working on and unlike other communities, we’re still a bit at this stage. But little by little these conversations will emerge in the world, I think it’s something super important and which can allow a lot of people to feel supported “.

Gabriela is 27 years old and is a psychologist