Why do we keep faking orgasm?

“So as not to worry or make my partner doubt that he didn’t do something right in his sexual performance.”

This is how a 24-year-old bisexual woman answered the question ‘Why do we fake orgasm?addressed in the Pleasure and Sexuality survey carried out by the NGO The rebellion of the body .

The study, which involved a sample of 2,243 women aged 18 to 78, found that 75% of them had faked – or regularly faked – an orgasm. When asked why, in order to qualitatively delve deeper into the reasons, it became clear that the main reason was related to the desire to end the sexual act.

The analysis of this revealed that behind these intentions lie fatigue, boredom, disconnection with one’s own body, discomfort and lack of enjoyment and pleasure. And this – contrary to what one might infer, the result of greater awareness of self-knowledge and self-pleasure in recent times – cuts across all ages and sexual orientations.

What the testimonies reveal is that orgasm continues to be conceived as the ultimate goal – or the climax – of the sexual encounter, as if it were an act that has the capacity to qualify it as “successful” or not; that not reaching this stage can hurt the ego and the sensitivity of the other; that pretending serves to avoid uncomfortable conversations and, above all, that very little has changed among the new generations. Women in their 20s and 60s continue to fake orgasms for the same reasons.

Moreover, it is those who are older who have made the decision, in many cases, to stop doing it, as if it were a stand against excessive complacency – or the need to pleasing others – which marked their lives.

Javiera Vera, psychologist and activist with The Body Rebellion Commission of Inquiry, explains it this way: “What we’ve seen is that faking orgasm has the perceived benefit of ‘cleanly’ ending the orgasm. sexual act, to please others and to avoid conflicts. But what is striking is that younger women, who have put issues on the table and opened conversations from different angles, including feminism, still reproduce the same behaviors. The changes we see come from more adult women, who decide to eradicate certain learnings rooted in the wisdom of experience and because it no longer makes sense to them,” she reflects.

“Adolescence and youth are stages of identity formation, in which the view of others is very important, so it is not so strange from there that behaviors continue to reproduce even if they are challenged. The youngest do not necessarily come with a change of chip,” continues the specialist.

This was expressed by a 28-year-old bisexual woman, who said she had faked orgasms in the past because “she felt like she had to do it, that it was part of the fun of sex.” man. “I didn’t know how to make it happen and my close circle of friends were in the same situation.” Another response, from a 23-year-old lesbian, said: “Sometimes I have a really good time, but it fizzles out before I reach orgasm, sometimes because of things that distract me or maybe because of some disconnection with my body. » . So I prefer to pretend that everything is still fine rather than communicate that I no longer feel pleasure.

Other responses included one from a 45-year-old woman who said that “when I get too distracted during sex, I prefer to pretend, so it ends.” “I know it’s stupid, I should say it, but you have to explain and it exhausts me.” And another, 28 years old, explains that “before, I did it almost as an impulsive act. As I grew older, I realized that it was more positive for the connection not to fake it and, above all, more positive for me.

Why then, if we are more aware, if we have educated ourselves more, if we have made visible certain subjects that were once relegated to the sphere of stigma and taboo, if there is a better knowledge of concepts and a more great inclusiveness – to a certain extent -, are the concerns always the same?

Javiera is categorical when she says that with all this, we are still inserted and have grown up – those of 18 and those of 70 – in an inequitable, hierarchical and patriarchal society. “We are aware of some structural damage that has been done to us regarding our image and what we should be, and although we can question them and reflect, society continues to have these expectations of us”, explains- she said.

“Let’s put it this way, even though I realize that being thinner isn’t necessarily the most desirable or important thing, if I lose a few pounds, I’ll probably be happy. Those of us who grew up in the 90s and those who grew up before or after. What is happening today is that we live in a certain contradiction and it is always uncomfortable; We try to hope that there will be paradigm shifts, but the cultural foundations in which we developed remain the same. »

And this is why, no matter how much we realize certain things, or do not expect certain behaviors from ourselves at this stage of the game, we continue to reproduce internalized patterns.

Basically, what the study reveals is that the focus hasn’t been on female pleasure. We know this well. And to this great general theme are added a series of equally important collateral sub-themes, such as Pleasure is always placed on the other and women act primarily based on that. ; that we were not encouraged to explore ourselves; that the lack of comprehensive sex education is already imminent. Added to this is the time factor which becomes particularly important for women because, ultimately, it is rare. And a general lack of understanding of what constitutes a sexual relationship and the complexities it can reach, notions historically strongly impregnated by the pornographic imagination.

But, as Javiera explains, another problem is also exposed; In all the reasons given by the women interviewed, the basis is the complacent place in which we position ourselves when it comes to sexuality. “When I understand sexuality as something that should make others happy, I stop thinking about myself. And it’s funny because in a card game, if you get bored, you stop playing. But There’s something going on with sexuality that we can’t stop developing for fear that the other person will be unhappy and apparently that other person’s well-being is far more important than our own.

The survey also establishes that many agree to have sex even if there is no desire. “Behind this lies the idea of ​​satisfying the other, understanding that pleasing the other can even be to the detriment of my own pleasure.”

Here again, several factors intersect; make the other person believe that it is a satisfactory sexual relationship, that it meets social expectations; take care of certain fragile masculinities; and avoid certain conversations. “But I insist that this also happens in homosexual couples in which, instead of having these conversations, we refuse the exploration of our own desire. As long as I continue to be content with being able to end sex by faking an orgasm, I stop exploring other possibilities and practices that might please me.

Jane Morgan, founder and owner of Japi Jane , the sex toy store and educational platform that promotes self-exploration and full sexuality, also shares her views. During the 17 years she spent in Chile and observed the evolution of sexuality in the country, she noticed that women are placing more and more emphasis on self-knowledge and the pleasure of themselves. “There is a greater openness which was not the case a few years ago, but pleasure and self-knowledge are perhaps not reflected in communication as a couple, whether homosexual or heterosexual” , he explains.

“What this study shows is that orgasm is still considered the way to end an encounter without harming the other’s ego. But at least we know we have orgasms, even if faking them is a wild card for ending sex. A few years ago, women faked orgasms because they didn’t know how to get them or because they didn’t know how to achieve them. It seems to me that since we are talking about it, it is progress.