Relationships: why it’s good to talk when you disagree

“Now that we’re not talking, I don’t have to pretend I like acid rock or that I’d like to be on a mega yacht with important men who think important thoughts,” the song says. Now that we don’t speak anymore from Taylor Swift’s latest release , “1989 (Taylor version). These lyrics prompted hundreds of people to reveal their past relationships on social media in video format with the song playing in the background.

So, under the premise of “Now that we’re not talking,” many share statements that relate to boundaries that weren’t set or uncomfortable conversations that didn’t happen while maintaining a relationship. , whether friendly, family, sexual or of any other nature. The psychologist and sexologist Carola Fernández (@carola.fernandezn ) explains that by expressing the things that bother us in a relationship, we allow that relationship to grow stronger: “Often we have the idea that caring for relationships means avoiding that, which can be conflicting, but when Relationships manage to get through that moment of tension that occurs when one sets a boundary and the other responds in a positive way, the bond deepens. By avoiding conflict, we risk losing a key element in making our relationships even safer and healthier. “We avoid not only conflict, but also the possibility of having even deeper relationships. »

Caroline Aspillaga (@carolinaaspillaga ), psychologist and therapist at CIDEM, shares this opinion and maintains that Differences in connections are typical of human beings. “It’s part of relationships because we are different and it’s important to apply it to any type of human relationship and see how much I give up. It’s important to learn how to have these uncomfortable conversations and bring them to the table. Often it is difficult for us to get it because we fear the connection will be broken,” he says.

Faced with repetitive behaviors that bother us and in which we give in without saying anything, psychologists recommend starting by validating what we feel individually and then verbalizing it. “If we have to have a conversation without validating my feelings, I probably won’t be as clear in how I express them. We need to do the validation work with ourselves first, even if we express it a little later and it’s not immediate. More than immediacy, the important thing is that we validate ourselves when we say what bothers us,” explains Carola Fernández.

To validate what makes us uncomfortable and set our limits, self-knowledge is essential: having at least an idea of ​​how much we are willing to give up and when. Psychologist Carolina Aspillaga maintains that we often realize after the fact how much was given or compromised to be in this relationship. However, the important thing is to be aware of my own emotions within this relationship, to know how I feel, to what extent I give in and allow something; do this exercise of honesty with ourselves, because sometimes it is difficult for us to recognize that we do not feel comfortable in a relationship in which we traditionally feel very comfortable. “You have to dare to look at this part and cross the barrier of discomfort.”

This is different from what we socially call “red bins” or “red flags”. “The most fundamental and indisputable warning signs are those linked to violence in all its forms. In addition to this, we need to make a difference on the things that I am not ready to compromise on in a relationship, which depend on each person and which, if they appeared, would call into question my remaining in the relationship. A problem can arise when we are not clear about what our non-tradable goods are and this is an exercise that needs to be done: what is non-tradable, what is moderately non-tradable and what is tradable. If we do this and conversely there is no reciprocity, one of the members of the relationship ends up having the feeling that they are giving in and that they will end up with the feeling that his needs, his desires were not included. in the relationship, because “he accepted things that he didn’t like and that weren’t necessarily impossible,” says Aspillaga.

“I think the ability to be authentic in a relationship is also important. When I feel like I can’t be who I am, freely, it’s okay to look at what’s happening. It always has a physical correlate: anxiety, fear, sadness, shame. It’s good to notice if I’m feeling any of these unpleasant emotions about something. It is enough that you have felt it for it to be valid, for it to be necessary to review it with yourself or to talk about it with the other when you are responsible for this feeling,” adds Carola Fernández.

Psychologist Carola Fuentes argues that often keeping things to oneself because one wants to avoid conflict originates in childhood and usually occurs in a family context. “In many cases, we apply the most avoidant functioning from our first bonding patterns, such as the relationship with our family where conflicts are avoided. We have learned that one way to avoid this is to put aside anything that can generate a situation of tension or discomfort. Not all families or relationships are like this, but there are many environments in which this is a model of functioning, in a dynamic where a certain harmony is maintained, but a harmony that is in response to an immolation of one’s own feelings. This is part of the cancellation, we cancel each other so as not to generate conflict,” concludes the professional.