Varinia Signorelli, author of PataLetas: “Respectful parenting has not been respectful of mothers”

Varinia always knew she wanted to become a psychologist. “She was a typical little girl who talked a lot in class and didn’t behave very well,” she recalls. That’s why, when he was four years old, his parents decided he needed to see a professional. “I wanted to be a psychologist because it was the profession that was always closest to me.”

15 years ago, after graduating from Andrés Bello University, she began practicing as a child psychologist. “Working with children, I realized that we need to work with mothers, who are the essential caregivers in our society. »

In 2014, Varinia opened her social media account (@supermadreblog), which already has 111,000 subscribers today. “I had just moved to another city and was going through a really bad time. I opened my Instagram to not feel so alone and to share what I knew about motherhood. And a community began to form and I became a sort of pocket psychologist, like a Jiminy Cricket who talks to you (…) The Super Mother is like that person who tells you, calm down, everything will be fine .

In September this year, Varinia published her first book: PataLetas. In the, The author invites you to immerse yourself in the emotional lives of children to deal with the dreaded tantrums. “There’s a lot of talk about those terrible two years, as if it was a terrible time because kids are starting to have their own ideas, but it’s a neurological explosion that’s often misunderstood because we think that children are manipulative when in reality they are: “The first two years are not terrible, they are wonderful”.

In addition to explaining child development to understand the origin of emotional dysregulation in children, The author suggests that mothers or caregivers take a trip into their own childhood. “We must understand each other and look at each other with more affection, to raise with care and respect.”

Far from providing a parenting manual, PataLetas hopes that each mother, aware of her own history and the neurological development of her child, will be able to find her own parenting formula.

PataLetas was a complete success. The first edition is already sold and the second is on the way. What was the experience of writing?

Super strong, because it was also a trip to my childhood. I went to see a psychologist when I was very young and realized that my own tantrums – for which I was called a bad girl – were finally serving a purpose. These tantrums had other reasons, but I wasn’t a bad boy. There were passages that I wrote while crying, and when I launched the book, I realized that many women who read it were also very moved.

Was the process of creating and writing the book a way to heal these wounds?

I think everything happens for a reason. At first, the decision was super rational. 90% of the reasons I go to consultations are due to what we call “temper tantrums” or “temper tantrums”, although in reality the correct word would be deregulation. So I wanted to write about child development so people would know what happens to children at their different stages. But of course, if you take it back to the experience of writing it, yeah, that was also super therapeutic.

They call Generation Crystal that because they say what they don’t like, because they break up with abusive boyfriends, or because they want to start a business so they don’t have a boss. So for me, this generation really has it all figured out.

Past generations often chose to be parents out of fear, authority, and fear of punishment. Has there been a paradigm shift?

Yes, we are indeed experiencing a change. I had this more authoritarian upbringing where if you misbehaved there was a punishment to correct you and learn to be a better person. Then, about nine or ten years ago, came this paradigm of respectful parenting where you’re told that children behave a certain way for a reason and that you should try to understand them and treat them with affection. Well, that’s where we come from. I think getting good treatment was a big step forward.

However, respectful parenting is not without criticism…

Yes, because respectful parenting has often not been respectful to mothers because it provides a sort of recipe for raising one’s child.

We can’t get angry, we can’t shout, because then we would disrespect the children, and then it’s your fault. But in reality, no one has to tell you how to be respectful to your children, because you know how to be respectful. There is no recipe. In the end, you have to respect this mother who is doing her best. Everyone knows what they do and does it for a reason.

More than respectful parenting, I think we need to be respectful with mothers so that they can be respectful with children.

There are those who associate respectful parenting with the crystal generation.

But they call the Crystal Generation Crystal because they argue, because they get angry, because they say what they don’t like, because they quit their jobs, because they break up with abusive boyfriends or because they want to start a business so they don’t have to. have a boss. So for me, this crystal generation has it all figured out. This is an intelligent generation.

New generations have this in their DNA, and we don’t. For example, I had a horrible time for years because I had to be on the sidelines of a work group that treated me badly because it had to be done. On the other hand, these children who are treated better, or according to their own needs, are able to say no, I don’t like that. They go to the psychologist, flirt with whoever they want and dare to quit their job. For me, the crystal generation has it all figured out.

Equality or authoritarianism: what role should we play towards our children?

When you trust someone, you respect them. If you make your son trust you, he will believe you and listen to you, not because he is afraid of you. Here the basis of everything is trust and to achieve this trust you have to spend time with them, always tell them the truth and be able to understand them. When you understand them, you are able to give them what they really need and trust is built. What authority does is generate fear because, as punishment, it takes away a privilege.

In other words, you don’t look kindly on punishment.

The fact is that punishments are not very useful because the child must learn the natural consequences of his actions. For example, if he eats three ice creams his stuffing will hurt, you don’t need to hit him for it to hurt. So you’re going to say no, you’re not going to eat a third ice cream because you’re going to feel bad. This is the natural limit and it is up to parents to set it.

The problem is that if you do too much, the child feels that there is an abuse of power and therefore feels vulnerable. The person who takes care of you should take care of you, not attack you. If a child behaves badly or cries, you need to find the cause. It’s like if the fire alarm in your house went off and instead of going to see where the fire is, you put it out. If you do this, the fire will only grow bigger. Punishing means ignoring alarms.

Coming back to the book, do you think you came to respond to an invisible need?

Yes, the tantrum books see deregulation as a disease that, if not eradicated, will turn these kids into bad people.

In PataLetaThere is a theoretical part on child development so that we know which developmental milestones and internal processes are most relevant to emotional development. In the second part, I invite women or guardians of children to take a journey into their own childhood, because PataLetas comes to help these people who may have had a less understanding childhood, so that they can heal their wounds and raise their children. of a respectful education.

PataLetas is like a round trip. Even if you read it to understand the child, it’s like a little mirror that bounces and you can see yourself and that girl that you were.