Men who don’t want to separate

“The night I sat down in the dining room to tell my husband I wanted a divorce, I received a resounding ‘NO’ in response. How nice. It reminded me of when I was a teenager and I asked my dad to go to my friends house to stay, and without any explanation and probably without even listening to me, he simply said ‘NO,'” says Eloísa (38 years old): “It was so unfair, I didn’t have the slightest possibility of arguing against this hierarchical refusal, and I could only return to my room with resentment and the feeling of being in a kind of captivity. A feeling that I revisited now, with my husband’s refusal, which made me shudder at the simple thought of continuing to be locked in this dark tunnel, without light, with no way out.

The reasons for leaving, according to Eloísa, were not so “serious” as coming to leave the house: “She had not been unfaithful to me, I did not feel violated, I did not lack anything for the children. Simply put, I didn’t feel loved the way I wanted to, and I didn’t love enough in return to feel like this coexistence was worth it,” she says. That night, after the categorical “NO”, her husband did not want to continue the conversation and went to the bedroom. She, perplexed, put on pajamas and went to bed next to him like she did every night. The next morning, she didn’t see him, he had gone to work without waking her.

There may be many men who do not want to separate, but to understand that there are men who categorically prevent it, you have to travel a deep path in the world of helplessness that divorce can generate. Some studies like Men and the divorce issue (Mexico) or When they decide to leave (Colombia), affirm that the brutal defense mechanism can arise because “the man has built his virility on the basis of the bond of maintenance and care of the woman in the marital bond”, but that today, “the patriarchal relationship in marriage is taking a turn for the worse, and contemporary women are making crucial decisions regarding their relationship.

Why turn to science to find out the reasons for this categorical refusal to divorce? Because according to clinical psychologist Alexander Finat, the archetype of the “provider man” can transform into something very identity-related and therefore painful when the possibility of providing for the needs of his partner or his children is taken away from him. “As it is possible to have good value in being proven, in ‘being sufficient’, at the moment that it is impideable to the dirty of the relationship, where it is necessary to perpetuate in its interior is a selfish relationship in the strict feeling of word. It is not a relationship that really meets the needs of the couple, but rather a bond that is based on what the man thinks the other needs to satisfy, he imposes it on him, and it ends up being a relationship with himself, with what he believes, what he wants,” Alexander explains. Thus, this diffuse crossing of the “I” is catapulted, according to the specialist, by the impossibility of mourning.

Eloisa resumed the conversation about divorce a few months ago, but she found, once again, only a refusal and also a rage which, according to her, prevented her husband from continuing to talk about this subject and even prevented her from listening to the reasons she had for this proposal. Since then, they have entered a silent loop of trying again and again and again.

The Colombian study mentioned above suggests that “today women are more autonomous in their marital decisions”, however, for the forensic clinical psychologist of the Interdisciplinary Center for Women (CIDEM), Francisca Rozas, there is a pitfall to watch out for. be careful, especially when he decides to “try again”.

“Given the gender socialization that surrounds us women, we often give in out of guilt or even because of the illusion of romantic love that makes us consider one more attempt” , said. And he adds: “This is where the ‘I’ is also trapped, because while trying again may seem normal, it can also be triggered by the stereotype that women are more ‘understanding’, ‘resilient’ or ‘strong “. emotionally.’

This is why the work of reflection and resolution from gender theory is so important, because it frees the “I” and builds a basis for doing what we want to do, despite the refusal which, in this case, comes from man. “The work of masculinity – like that of feminism – is in reality the work of not losing oneself,” explains the psychologist.

This is due to the fact that if I do not recognize my partner as an “other” with needs that are specific to me and different from those that I want to impose, I am at the same time preventing myself from recognizing myself as an “other”. and saying that what’s going on inside mine is something I need to explore to hold myself accountable. “In doing so, this man may be left with an emptiness that includes loneliness, a wounded ego, and a lot of pain expressed as a defense mechanism. Working there is not easy, we must insist, especially if, as in this case, the man is immersed in a categorical refusal to divorce, because restricting the freedom of others is the beginning of violence.

Sara (46 years old) was also told a categorical no, but this time she came up with an argument that is recognized by specialists as the beginning of often invisible violence: vicarious violence is i.e. when boys or girls are used to harm the mother. “My ex told me at the time that he didn’t want to leave the house because he didn’t want to stop seeing our daughter. I had already investigated and tried to tell him, calmly, that we could come to a shared care agreement. I also told him that if the problem was at home, I could find another apartment and pay child support. He refused all of this, in front of the young girl, and also during the mediations that I had scheduled to reach an agreement, to which he went, but “forced”, as he repeated to the mediator each time we we were arriving,” he said.

“Time passed and the relationship did not improve. I already loved another person and had told them so many times, but I had to lie first. I no longer knew what my life was and what wasn’t, and it started to drive me crazy. Last week, when I decided to pack up and move in with my new partner, he realized he was going to have to take care of the house and the girl, and he regretted it. He told me it was better for him to leave,” says Sara.

Valentina Lezana, founding lawyer of the Women’s Defense Circle – a place for legal advice with a gender perspective and a work strategy based on your case – comments that whether or not children are involved in the divorce decision is quite current despite the violence that this means. And, in many cases, women’s precarious rights and maternity rights can also prevent them from agreeing to stay in a relationship they really want to end. “The first and most important thing is to see the context in which this starts happening to women. Are we talking about independent women? Professionals? With support networks? With financial resources? With emotional resources? Because it is very common that those who decide to stay in a relationship of this type, it is because they lack the resources to facilitate their exit.

She also adds that “it is not necessary to be a woman in absolute precariousness to not be able to leave a contractual relationship like marriage and very often this does not depend on us. If we read in the newspapers that 90% of men owe pensions, the chances of falling into this figure as victims are extremely high.”

“A good way to start this journey is to recap all the attempts that have been made to stay in this marriage, along with the reasons why. Unfortunately, wanting to support a family for my children is not enough for me to adapt to a relationship from which I want to get out, because the disruptive moment will always come, the limit after so much effort”, explains the psychologist. Francisca, Rozas.

Valentina Lezana explains the rest: “There are three types of divorces: the first is by mutual consent, where the period of cessation of cohabitation is one year; The second is when there is one member of the couple who wants it and the other does not, in this case it is Unilateral, which is more complicated, and there is a period of three years of cessation of cohabitation; and the third concerns non-compliance with the duties of contractual marriage (infidelity, violence or drug addiction), and in this case there is no deadline.

“If you do not have the agreement of your counterpart to divorce, you can request the cessation of cohabitation, although this can take up to three years. But if you detect that there is a breach of contract, divorce can occur immediately. It is essential to request the cessation of cohabitation if there is no agreement, because only then does the time limit for finalizing the divorce begin to run,” he adds.

The important thing here – the lawyer specifies – is to never forget that the spouse who does not allow the other to leave is very clear about the reasons why he does not do so. “Knowing this, the ideal is to plan the outing well, only if it is possible and if you are not exposed to any danger,” he specifies. And also ask yourself for advice, because there have been cases where the man who refused the divorce later went to court to ask for personal custody of the children, arguing that the woman “abandoned her home.” And on the contrary, “if the parent who “abandons the home” wants to request personal care, he will have to demonstrate that the person left in charge, that is to say the one who remained at home with him, is not not fit for their care.” . And this is difficult, because to prove it requires explicit neglect, usually invisible to those who do not live with them, “he concludes.