My first Christmas alone

“Last year, for the first time, I had to pass Christmas alone. For me it was always a very important date and I was nervous about what was going to happen.

I am 34 years old and have three children aged 15, 9 and 5. I was married nine years ago, we separated three years ago. Christmas was always a topic, because my ex has his birthday the next day and I wanted to spend it outside of Santiago. There were always discussions about who our kids would spend these playdates with, but last year I relented.

When we were together, we never did what many families do and dispersed for Christmas. We always spend it together as a family. I really like cooking, so we made all kinds of cookies and special dishes, we were full of traditions and it was always our home. But I convinced myself that he could just as easily do it during these meetings with my children, and that each one would have its own stamp.

I was nervous about what would happen to me that day. My family is from Concepción and Christmas fell on a Saturday. It wasn’t worth leaving for a day. There were no holidays. “I’ll do it,” I told myself. This would be the first of a long series.

Spending my first Christmas alone, I first felt sorry for my children. This would be the first time he couldn’t do to them everything he always did to them. I was also afraid that they would feel alone. They always loved being at home and I wondered if their father had the same traditions for them as I did. I was afraid they would be happy.

I was also worried about my own celebration, I was complicated with what I could do, where I could go. I didn’t have a support network in Santiago, my network was that of my ex’s sisters, so at that moment I understood how fundamental it was to rely on friends.

I thought a lot about what I could do to not feel sad or guilty about not being with them and decided to celebrate it on December 23rd. I wrote them a little letter saying we had a special date with Santa. I did the same show that I always did every 24 hours, the day before. My ceramics teacher at the time gave me some very useful advice: Christmas can be any day, the important thing is to be together. Was right.

On the 24th, several of my friends opened the doors of their house to me to celebrate with family. At first I felt uncomfortable, I didn’t know what to do, I felt like there was nothing to see. At that point I had started chatting but didn’t know anyone in his family and ended up spending Christmas with them. There were a lot of people, I didn’t know anyone, but I didn’t care. For me, I had already celebrated Christmas the day before and it was just a delicious meal. Now I think I could have spent it alone in my house and I think it would have been the same for me. That day, I left gifts for my children in front of my ex’s house so that they would remember me.

In the end, all the movies he had shown me about my first Christmas alone, about what I was going to do, about how I was going to be bitter, sad, cry, stayed alone. It was absolutely terrible and I didn’t shed a single tear. In fact, my youngest son was happy to have two Christmases and I felt like I checked out that first Christmas alone. At the end of the day, the important thing is to party, no matter what.

This Christmas it was my turn to have the children and, in an attempt to free myself from all my structures, I invited my parents, my uncles and everyone to my house. I wanted it to be more relaxed so the kids would see that everything can change, things can be different, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to be bad. In fact, there doesn’t have to be one exact way to do it, and it can be just as valid a way to spend Christmas as any other. As long as we are all together and celebrating, it can be done in a thousand ways.

At 23, I got married and moved out of my parents’ house. My first child was already born and then the other two arrived. I have never been alone and that is why the last few years have been a great learning experience. This was quite a discovery and I must say that it makes me very happy. I learned a lot about myself.

A few months ago, my ex and I agreed that our children would spend a week with me and another with him. At first, I thought I wouldn’t know what to do with all this time, because with children you live on the run. In fact, the first week I had it, I didn’t stop, because I continued to do things for them that I have now learned to let go of, which led me to a big discovery : I don’t miss myself.

Last week I was alone and I took advantage of it: I read, I cooked delicious food, I ordered sushi in bed, I watched movies, I rested. I think it’s been a long time since I really rested, because I thought rest was just sleeping. I gave myself this time and it was perfect.

I really like my job and I also liked the fact that during these weeks I can work without guilt. No one asks me what time I’ll arrive, no one tells me if it’s late or asks me why I’m working so hard. The other day I wasn’t hungry at lunchtime and ended up eating sushi at 1am. I’m not relaxed, but I’ve learned that I can do it.

As a woman, we are very afraid of being alone on important dates like Christmas, New Years, birthdays, but in the end I think we can give it another meaning, because beyond the dates, I think that what matters is what we do. and the goal we have. “I realized that it’s not at all terrible to go through these dates alone.”