Living with borderline personality disorder

“I was completely depressed, I couldn’t get out of bed, not even to do the things I loved. I said: if I continue like this, I will kill myself. I felt like it couldn’t be worse; “Either he fixed me up or my life was over.”

This is part of the story of María Ignacia Morales, a 25-year-old girl who was diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) – commonly known as “borderline” – one year ago. Through his TikTok account, with more than 37,000 subscribers, he makes the disorder visible, fights misinformation and helps eliminate the stigma associated with it. “I needed so much to feel understood that I said to myself: I’m going to do this because there must be a lot of people like me who don’t know what’s happening to them,” she explains.

He Borderline Personality Disorder It is defined as a structure of behavior and thoughts in which there is a lot of imbalance at the emotional level and instability in the perception of oneself and the outside world. According to studies, its origin is multicausal; a combination of genes with environmental and social factors. Traumatic and neglectful experiences of caregivers, such as lack of stability in relationships, emotional invalidation, and sexual abuse, coupled with genetic emotional vulnerability, play a crucial role in predisposing to the development of BPD.

The psychologist certified in this type of disorder, Natalia Álvarez, explains that The heart of the disorder is the intensity with which interpersonal relationships are experienced. Something Ignacia recognizes as she has always been classified as someone very intense and dramatic. “Any minor problem I had in my life disarmed me in everything. If people feel up to ten, I feel up to a thousand,” he says. And – as Nicole Tobar, a psychologist experienced in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) used to treat BPD, explains – “these people can’t see shades or grays, they see good or bad, black or dark. white. “It is difficult for them to separate what is in their mind from what is outside. »

Another characteristic is impulsivity. Nicole explains that these are people who tend to engage in acts of self-harm, such as cutting, drug use or risky sexual behavior. “People with this disorder are at great risk. One of the symptoms is to engage in risky behavior, to wander and exaggerate and even to take refuge in other drugs, because we feel everything very intensely, whether it is anger, happiness or sadness “, explains Ignacia and adds that it is this impulsiveness that makes her very frustrated at not leading her life the way she wants. “I am very sure that I want A, but I always end up doing B and I don’t understand and This really despairs me because I am not consistent with myself.”

At the same time, there are suicide attempts. According to a study, Of the total number of people who attempt to end their lives, 74% meet the criteria for borderline personality disorder. Francisca Sbraga is a psychologist and has been diagnosed with BPD. He explains that these attempts “have more to do with the desire to cease suffering than to cease existing, or sometimes existence is so painful that it is not conceivable.”

“I attempted suicide several times. You want to switch off so badly,” admits Ignacia. “On my first attempt I was very unwell, I took the pills and went to lie down in bed. Like never before, my little sister came to my room and like a little light, she said to me: Igna, please don’t die. There I went to the bathroom to vomit, to get everything out of my body and I managed to prevent the situation from getting worse. When I told my mother, she told me not to tell anyone.

And then – experts say – there is the lack of emotional regulation. People with this disorder have high sensitivity and strong reaction. Emotion overwhelms them and they lose the ability to think and self-regulate. Psychologist Natalia Álvarez explains that what differentiates this disorder from other disorders, such as bipolarity or depression, is that people with BPD “do not change their mood because of something insignificant, but the triggers are always interpersonal relationships; fights, abandonment conflicts or not feeling understood. There all this impulsiveness and poor emotional regulation are expressed, which can often be expelled in a violent way.

Misinformation is why Ignacia started recording videos for TikTok. “When I was diagnosed with this disorder, I didn’t understand what it was. Depression? Anxiety? Bipolarity? If I didn’t understand it, how were others going to understand it? “, he said. I wanted to raise awareness and at the same time eliminate the various myths and stigmas associated with this disease.

“They are manipulative people”: Natalia says that in these cases we are not talking about manipulation, but rather mismanagement of resources. “There’s this idea that they’re cutting themselves just to get attention, but that’s not the case. The fact is that this person is so afraid of abandonment that the only way to emotionally regulate themselves is through cutting. This is the only strategy they have to regulate themselves emotionally. In other words, they do what they can with the resources they have.

“That they are narcissistic and selfish” : Psychologist Francisca Sbraga talks about her experience: “Sometimes people with BPD are very focused on our pain and we can’t understand why they don’t understand us. So when we ask for help, we may feel like we are only thinking about ourselves. But the pain is very great. I could describe it to you as the feeling of being completely burned, of being on fire. This disorder is described as one of the most painful mental health problems because it actually causes physical suffering, similar to a second-degree burn.

Ignacia agrees: “BPD people are seen as bad, selfish people who don’t think about others and only care about having fun. But that’s not the case, although we often take care of the rest, it’s not something we control.

“They can’t have interpersonal relationships”: Psychologist Natalia Álvarez assures that these people manage to maintain relationships and believes that there is even a desire for this. However, Nicole Tobar explains that these relationships can be unstable and complex given the intensity with which they are experienced, alternating between idealization and devaluation of people for fear of abandonment.

“I really don’t blame them. My friends told me they couldn’t handle me, with the way I acted, with the way I lived my life. They didn’t feel capable of helping me and, deep down, I also brought them to them,” admits Ignacia. “Every relationship I generate depends on one person. This is something I’m working on in therapy, but I think it will be a difficult pattern to break. “I become obsessed with people because I want them there, because I don’t want to be alone, because I’m afraid of abandonment,” she admits.

“That it is chronic and that there is no treatment”: Natalia Álvarez says that today there are many treatments with empirical evidence to say that it is not a life sentence. Thanks to them, you can have a much better life, with functioning extremely different from the one you are experiencing and which is causing you difficulties. It should be noted that people with BPD don’t want to be like that. They suffer a lot because of the way they function and the emotional dysregulation with which they live, it is simply beyond their control to achieve this change on their own.

Psychologist Francisca Sbraga emphasizes the importance of people becoming psychoeducated and understanding that BPD is a real mental health problem. For family and friends, Natalia Álvarez highlights the importance of being key actors in recovery, but also subjects of intervention to understand and contain the affected person without generating frustration or wear and tear. Experts suggest that in times of crisis, it is best to offer support, seek alternatives to manage difficult situations and, above all, avoid emotional invalidation, which contributes to the perpetuation of symptoms.

“I think what people with BPD struggle the most with is not feeling understood. We always feel judged. The good thing is that these people have come into my life, like little lights, who embrace you with who you are and how you feel. It’s like “calm down my friend, here we are”. What we appreciate most is that they listen to you, that they support you, that they don’t judge you and that they feel validated,” says Ignacia, who started a year ago month a new dialectical behavioral therapy, with which, she says, she acquired new strategies to regulate herself and be able to live like a normal teenager. “In moments when I feel more vulnerable and when I see everything dark, I try to vote, cry, cry, cry. I write a lot, songs and poems. When I can’t control it anymore and I feel like I’m going to collapse, I call my mother or my sister and they come to help me.

Another strategy he shares is full awareness. “Meditate, practice breathing, say: this thought is not going to invade me, it is not going to stay in my head all the time. Or focus on reading a book or listening to music, taking a walk, or having a cigarette. More than anything, it’s about staying focused on something that keeps you from thinking all the time how sorry you are, how bad you did it, how alone you are,” adds- She.

He doesn’t deny that medications are important, but he describes them as a “Band-Aid” and says the only way to work on what he has and see changes is through therapy. “Unfortunately, in Chile, nothing covers this and it is very expensive,” he laments. In this regard, Francisca Sbraga denounces that borderline disorder is not part of the explicit health guarantees (GES) program and that it should be. “We represent about 2% of the Chilean population and expenses exceed the minimum wage. We cannot talk about mental health and say that we are a country that is very aware of it when we have a population adrift with a very high risk of suicide.

According to Ignacia, what gives her hope to work on herself and achieve her dreams and goals is the treatment journey she is following. “I feel like I’ve already hit rock bottom and when you hit rock bottom, you just have to climb back up. After therapy, I immediately feel more capable. From the first session, they make you practice your skills and question things. I feel like I’m on the right track and anyone suffering from this disorder can get on the right track and it can happen,” he concludes.