Is it usual to have a favorite child?

95% of parents have a favorite child, and the remaining 5%… lie.

That’s how categorical it is Jeffrey Kluger, author of The brother/sister effect , who even gave a presentation on the subject in TED Talks. He is not the only one to express himself this way; many other studies available around the world point to the same thesis. However, it remains a taboo subject in most families, although when asked, most people name one or another family member as their father or mother’s favorite .

Feeling a greater affinity in certain bonds compared to others is completely normal in human relationships: We do it among friends, as a couple, in family relationships, and it adds up and continues. So why is it hidden or frowned upon when as a parent there is a greater affinity with a particular son or daughter? For many reasons, and although psychologists emphasize that it is healthy to validate that the relationships between parents and children are different from each other and that each has its particularity, they suggest not openly denouncing favoritism because it generates more harm than benefit.

As in all other relationships, favoritism between parents and children is often linked to the existence of common interests, characteristics and attributes.

Perinatal and parental psychologist Natalia Bruna recognizes that “perhaps talking about favoritism is difficult to digest”, but it is a fact that each relationship is unique and irreplaceable. And the same thing happens in the bond between parents and children. “When two people enjoy each other’s company, it’s noticed, it stands out. When this does not happen, we cannot pretend, but that does not necessarily imply that there is more affection or love for this or that child,” he emphasizes.

Furthermore, Integramédica Psychologist, Carolina Lorca , warns that in a family that has a healthy and secure bond, there should be no favorite children or open expression about it. However, he recognizes that it is normal for parents to feel certain affinities with certain children over others, especially at certain times, which does not mean that favoritism exists. “Having these temporal affinities is something natural, whether due to common interests, personality similarities, identification with certain circumstances of life that the child goes through, children who share values ​​with their parents and who demonstrate greater social and emotional skills. Faced with the development of these affinities, it is important not to show marked differences between children, nor to feel guilty as parents.

He thinks the same thing Francisca Alcoholado, from @grupoclinicosur, but it also indicates that as parents we must evaluate whether these differences in affinity in the relationship with our children lead to dynamics of favoritism, that is, differential behaviors towards them characterized by partiality and preference regardless of their merits and fairness. So this is where the problem would lie, because “Behaviors or dynamics of favoritism can lead us to favor one child over another in an unjustified way, for example by granting them more opportunities or privileges in the family system and/or by devoting more time and attention. When perceived by our children, it can cause damage to parent-child bonds, rivalry and conflict in sibling relationships, and deterioration in our children’s mental health and self-esteem.” , warns the professional.

“When parents exacerbate the competitiveness between their children or generate a very marked difference between them, the sibling relationship is distorted and the sibling bond is broken.”

The dynamics that occur in a family are those that will shape the personality, strengths and weaknesses of each of its members. This is why what happens there – or rather the way each situation is faced – could have very different consequences on the future of each of these peoples.

For Lorca, The sibling relationship involves a natural competition for parental attention, and this is precisely what it teaches children about horizontal relationships, even if it is a bond between “equals who do not.” are not so much.” since he considers the implicit roles of being an older, younger or middle brother, says the professional. Therefore, for children, brotherhood means the first opportunity to be part of a team and get out of the comfort zone, always having loving and caring relationships. Thus, when parents exacerbate the competitiveness between their children or generate a very marked difference between them, the sibling relationship is distorted and the brotherly bond is broken, he comments. “Declaring that one of the children is the favorite will generate a distant relationship, increasing the risks of pathological jealousy, abusive relationships or aggressive behavior, as well as avoidance,” he warns.

The situation of favoritism also harms the psychological development of children and can lead to low self-esteem in those who are less recognized. “In these children, chronic discomfort is generated and they tend to become defensive towards the “rejecting” parent, a conflict that can manifest in difficult behaviors or overadaptation, trying to achieve perfection in an attempt to be worthy of parents’ love. …and get closer to the favorite brother, often idealized,” he says. And he adds that it is not easy for the favorite child either, because his role also imposes responsibilities and meeting his parents’ expectations. “Favorite children are displaced in the brotherhood, having greater distrust of their peers and less spontaneity, since their position in groups tends to be more vertical,” emphasizes Lorca.

Therefore, for the therapist, in a family with healthy emotional dynamics, the existence of a favorite child should not be something tacit or declared because it hinders the relationship between siblings, and them with the parents who create this differentiation.

For most parents, recognizing the existence of a greater affinity with one child compared to others, or recognizing that certain favoritism behaviors exist, is often fraught with shame or guilt.

The above is explained by the fact that the dominant discourses in our society reinforce the idea that the bonds between parents and children must always be similar and that we must experience the same type of affinity and closeness towards them, says Alcoholado. “Which is not always possible,” he adds, because each relationship naturally presents differences and particularities.

However, as parents, we must be attentive and aware of each other’s affinities and proximities, and see if the natural differences in these bonds could lead to favoritism behaviors that could be detrimental or facilitate comparison and competition between brothers. and sisters. “Becoming aware of our favoritism behaviors can allow us to modify them in order to improve family relationships and allow each of our children to feel seen and considered according to their particularities,” he indicates.

In this sense, psychologist Natalia Bruna says that we must be particularly attentive as parents, given that these preferences can convey a large part of guilt that at the same time prevents us from seeing the reality of the situation.

He adds that the important thing as parents is to seek balance at the family level, to encourage interactions according to the interests of each child, to know what they like and to adapt at each stage. “There will always be something unique that you can share that will serve to strengthen closeness, even in everyday activities like driving and listening to music that you both enjoy, but look for that tool that helps you enjoy to be together. Being able to recognize for yourself that there are differences in relationships allows you to see them in their entirety and not deny what needs to be repaired or healed,” he says.

Alcoholado explains it in the same sense, which indicates that, although it is healthy to validate that the relationships between parents and children are different from each other, it must be clarified that this does not imply that the child with whom we are the most similar in certain themes, we want more. “It is important to reflect the positive or similar aspects that exist in the relationship with each child, emphasizing that these are different aspects, not better or worse,” he says.

Finally, therapists agree on the fact that the favoritism of one child over another should never be openly recognized, but it is good to recognize in each child what is considered special in him, to highlight value their qualities, to value shared experiences and to talk about what makes the connection. between each parent and each special child.