These are the 4 phrases that can help in a couple conflict

THE discussions It’s something that can’t be avoided and, contrary to popular belief, it’s healthy to have it from time to time, experts say.

In the case of romantic relationships, it is a necessary instance to expose differences, validate the other’s feelings and reach agreements that are satisfactory for both.

But there are times when no matter how hard you try to make a fight achieve positive results, you just can’t.

The situation can be even more overwhelming when the following practice occurs: imagining what another person might be thinking or feeling at that very moment. This is closely linked to past experiences.

Terrence Real, family therapist and author of the book Us: Moving on from You and Me to Building a More Loving Relationship, knows this behavior firsthand. As the expert explained to The New York Times inventing stories without limits could cause an intensification of an argument in a couple or cause misunderstandings.

To avoid getting to this point, the specialist suggests implementing a strategy that could be useful in these cases. This is the feedback wheel a technique based on four simple sentences that can help expose differences in a healthy way.

In case you find yourself embroiled in conflict with your partner, Real suggests you stop for a moment and keep in mind that this person is important to you.

After thinking for a few minutes and thinking that this is the perfect time to have a conversation, check to see if the other person is showing signs of being open to listening. Then you can use one of these four phrases, the therapist explained to American media.

1. “This is what I saw or heard.” » One way to approach an argument is to describe what happened in a single sentence. According to Real, we must only talk about “the facts, those that a camera can record”, because the important thing is to be concise.

2. “That’s what I imagined.” Speaking openly about the stories we create in our minds can also be a practical way to approach the struggle.

Indeed, by expressing our point of view, it reduces the pressure on others and allows us to analyze the multiple emotions that we feel, explains Alexandra Solomon, professor of psychology at Northwestern University in the United States.

For Real, this statement also helps us realize that our interpretation of the facts is wrong.

3. “That’s how I felt.” After an argument, one strategy that can help is to identify your emotions and briefly describe them to your partner. The idea, however, is only to focus on feelings and exclude personal beliefs.

4. “This is what would make me feel better.” From what Real has observed, this statement isn’t typically used much by couples, although stating your personal needs could be very beneficial.

Bene Brown, a professor at the University of Houston who has studied vulnerability, empathy and shame for decades, also believes that speaking openly about “the story I’m making up” can make us seem more vulnerable. The reason? This helps people trust each other and communicate better.

Simply put, Brown said Business Insider by evoking “the story that I am inventing”, you indicate: “I want you to see me, to understand me and to hear me, and knowing what you really mean is more important to me than to be right or to protect myself. »

The secret to tackling an argument during a romantic relationship may lie not only in the sentences spoken, but also in take a break at that time.

This is according to researchers from the University of St. Andrews in Scotland, who, in a recent study, identified that breaking up with Five seconds is enough to calm a couple’s argument. The results of this research were published in August in the journal Psychology of natural communications .

According to the team of scientists, these five seconds can be as effective as ten or fifteen seconds in resolving the conflict.

“It seems obvious, but this is the first time that it has been experimentally demonstrated that a reduction in aggression occurs after forced breaks,” detailed Annah McCurry, author of the study and doctoral student at the Faculty of Medicine. psychology and neuroscience, in a press release. .

Then he added: “Forcing couples to take a five-second break was as effective as a ten- or fifteen-second break, showing that even shorter pauses can help defuse an argument.” .

The study involved 81 couples who had to participate in a game whose dynamic consisted of disturbing their partners with an unpleasant noise and at the volume they had decided.

Each of the couples participated in 30 rounds of play. Throughout the experiment, their facial expressions and tones of their voices were recorded by a camera with embedded audio. Subsequently, the images were subjected to analysis by artificial intelligence, to examine their emotional responses.

The University of St. Andrews team later identified that taking a short break in the middle of an argument could prevent him from progressing to higher levels.

“It’s a simple, free and effective tip to reduce negative emotions during fights. “It’s less expensive than couples therapy and can be easily integrated into daily interactions.” » noted McCurry.

The researcher emphasized that this technique aims to calm or resolve minor conflicts so that they do not escalate. For this reason, “the approach is not applicable to domestic violence scenarios.”

“It’s about managing the banal, everyday arguments that couples have and which can escalate,” he maintained.