The epidemic of loneliness among young men

There toxic masculinity and the patriarchal idea that feelings are “girl thing” left behind a generation of straight men who are afraid of being vulnerable and who do not express their emotions. As a result, experts say, we see men who, unable to connect and emotionally support their friends, feel increasingly alone. And the price is paid by the women in their lives.

For generations, men have learned to hide their emotions. “Women are socialized, we are subjugated and we are taught to connect more emotionally. It is forbidden for men to do so. In general, they are instead allowed to show only one emotion, which is anger and not other types of emotions, much less those that are socially connoted as weakness. For that, there are more men who find it difficult to discriminate, understand or find out about what is happening to them. The danger is that when we have fewer tools to distinguish and reflect on internal affective states, we lose the ability to look at ourselves. explains Mariana Gaba, psychologist and director of the Gender Department at Diego Portales University.

Not understanding or being able to process what is happening to them emotionally is just the tip of the iceberg. And they are alone. If they do not need to be in a relationship to feel accompanied, the specialists speak of a “epidemic of loneliness” among the young men of the world. There is something even more disturbing: according to study made by him American Investigation Center , only 21% of men report receiving support from a friend in the past week, compared to 41% of women. But it’s not everyone’s luck. A British study conducted in 2015 suggest that more than 2.5 million English men They confess to having no close friends to turn to when they need help or advice during a crisis.

As explained Francisco Aguayo, Doctor of Psychology , and director of the EME Masculinidades y Equidad de Género, men find it difficult to identify their discomfort, their emotions, to talk about them and even more, to ask for help. “Several studies suggest this is linked to the notions of hegemonic masculinity they grew up with. Appearing more emotional, being connected to emotions and talking about them are traditionally seen as more feminine values ​​and so many men shy away from it,” says Aguayo.

The background, explains psychologist Mariana Gaba, is that emotionality is socially constructed as the opposite of rationality, which defines traditional masculinity par excellence. “Anyone who has affections or emotions loses their ability to be rational, loses their impartiality. It is somehow contaminated, ruled by emotions. In this sense, it is very difficult for them to be able to connect to these emotions in terms of practices and discourse because recognizing this component is almost like giving up or losing something in relation to this status of masculinity. Power, power, control, dominance and autonomy are highly valued qualities of masculinities and that because of the way this binary opposition is set up, they seem to be exclusive,” explains- he.

While it seems clear that one of the reasons men don’t bond emotionally with their friends is because of how they inhabit their masculinity, it’s important to understand that for your friendship bond to be meaningful, it doesn’t have to be emotionally open. . “Masculinities appreciate doing more, not so much talking or feeling something, but sharing activities and spaces. I think of the sport to get together to play poker. In some cases, you see that there is no emotional connection or space to address what is worrying them, but I believe they have a whole group. Between nothing and that, it’s a space that makes sense to them in terms of belonging and validation. I think it’s a precarious space for sure, but it still serves a function,” says Gaba.

Having this space to be understood and validated is very important for mental health, according to studies. was shown that the disclosure of distress and suffering is associated with men feeling understood, accepted and connected to others in their social sphere. However, instead of friends, it is often couples who receive this information. “They have to chew on these men’s affections, but he, with these few tools, can rarely reciprocate to put his female partner’s emotional needs or concerns first,” Gaba explains. “Women do a huge job of emotional management, which is disproportionately within their domain and not recognized as such, not even by the women themselves. We don’t realize how much we are subsidizing. It’s almost as if we are a kind of extension of a part of the subjective apparatus of this masculinity which needs and feeds on this external support that we give them. And it’s very exhausting because it’s made invisible and it’s not reciprocated,” concludes the director of the Department of Gender at Diego Portales University.

Although the outlook is hopeful as we are in a time of cultural change, where according to Aguayo men seem more interested in social skills, emotional issues, some in taking care of their health or getting involved more in fatherhood, the dynamic continues to exist to enter into romantic relationships to come out of loneliness. “It is a common assumption in studies that men find it difficult to be alone and so it is known that when left alone many quickly seek to find a partner. Sometimes it has to do with practical issues , like when they can’t cook or clean,” she says.

However, concludes the doctor in psychology, “with the strong feminist movement of recent years, there is an expectation among men to be more emotionally connected, that they are not irritable, that they talk more about what happens to them and that, in the background, they communicate more, which translates into claims or direct interpellations to masculinity”.